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Aug 21

Horoscopes for August 21, 2015

Cha Cha’s Horoscopes for

Friday, August 21, 2015

  

Leo (7/23-8/22):  Today is a great day to re-evaluate your decision to quit your job and become a drug detection dog.  You are neither a dog nor do you have a sense of smell.

 

Virgo (8/23-9/22):  Much like the game “Cards Against Humanity” think twice before pulling out the Harry Potter erotica, today.  It will destroy your day.

 

Libra (9/23-10/22):  Your shot-for-shot remake of Episode Seven of the late-80s show Out of This World is halted when you are arrested for officially being TOO weird.  The fact that Gary Busey made the arrest speaks volumes.

 

Scorpio (10/23-11/21):  Today is like the song “American Pie”: it will last forever, you will only remember a little bit, and in the end, Madonna will ruin it.

 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21):  You will come into a lot of money today.  Just remember that 90% of it is covered with cocaine and feces, so wash your hands and try not to put it in your mouth.

 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19):  Run for the hills!  Note: if you are in Kansas, pack a few meals and stretch first, because you’ll be running for awhile.

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Aquarius (1/20-2/18):  Your book of ancient proverbs hits a snag when your editor points out that though Jane Fonda MAY seem ancient, she is not.

 

Pisces (2/19-3/20):  You know how they say “those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”?  That situation is almost never literally applicable, so just make sure you have your rocks with you, because the sound of breaking glass is awesome!

 

Aries (3/21-4/19):  If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: DON’T be the last person at a party imitating Sharon Stone’s interrogation scene from Basic Instinct.  It’s just creepy.

 

Taurus (4/20-5/20):  Today will go down as one of the best days of your life.  This is assuming that every day you don’t get shingles is one of the best days of your life.

 

Gemini (5/21-6/21):  Now is definitely the time to take up that hobby you’ve always shown interest in: embezzling from your boss, book-burning, sculpting with cat litter…Carpe that diem.

 

Cancer (6/22-7/22):  After 22 years and over 3,000 lessons, your career as a professional piano teacher comes to a sudden halt when you realize you never learned how to play the piano.

Listening to:  RAC “Back of the Car”

About the author

Chad

Chad has a Bachelor's Degree from Marquette University in Broadcast Journalism & Electronic Communications. Currently living in Seattle, WA, he takes every opportunity he can to go to a game, partake in the nightlife, laugh with friends & family and root for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.