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Dec 10

This Week In Theaters (Best of): “That’s Just MEAN, Man!”

Continuing our lead up to the 100th Episode on Friday, Cha Cha compiled a list of just SOME of the insults thrown around in his This Week In Theaters section of his weekly Front Pages.  TWIT has been a regular part of the Front Page since the first one was published and gives a review of what movies guys may be interested in that week.  In addition to a brief rundown, the section also provides a trailer and usually a little snarky feedback.  Always with an opinion, here’s just some of Cha’s more pointed comments.  Enjoy!

hero_nic_cage

  • “The final installment of the V/H/S franchise will presumably be followed by the L/A/S/E/R/D/I/S/C franchise” (11-19-14)
  •  “If you’re looking for something to induce vomit, check out Nicholas Sparks’ newest garbage-turned-flick, The Best of Me.  There is nothing that can be said here to justify Sparks’ existence in the literary world or on the big screen.  The fact that his movies are bankable should be the biggest indication of the collapse of civilization and his take on sappy love is comparable to Stephenie Meyer’s take on vampires or Gary Busey’s take on sanity.  If you must go see this movie, bite the cyanide capsule before the lights dim, and best of luck in the afterworld.”  (10-15-14)
  • The Equalizer is still the most attractive movie out this week, in the same way that Glenn Close is the most attractive person in a room occupied by Close, Richard Simmons, and a deceased Bea Arthur.” (9-24-14)
  • “It is widely believed that Vince Vaughn actually ate all the poor reviews for The Internship and his gigantic weight gain is the reason he may not get the True Detective role.” (9-17-14)
  • “It is a bit surprising to see Ford and Grammer participating in the shenanigans, given that their careers fizzled out more recently than Schwarzenegger’s or Stallone’s, but it’s good to keep the mid-life crisis theme strong.  Most men their age would opt for the red Porsche and the 24-year-old girlfriend, but these gentlemen have opted to drown in a sea of washed up masculinity, and few of us care if they surface.” (8-13-14)
  • “Actor Brendan Gleeson is an Irish treasure, and anyone who says otherwise can shut their corned-beef-and-cabbage hole.  Gleeson takes the lead in director John Michael McDonagh’s (not to be mistaken with “Yah Mo Be There” Michael McDonald) newest movie, Calvary.  While Calvary definitely looks like a dead-serious story of a priest battling dark forces, it is important to know that Gleeson and McDonagh (not to be mistaken with “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” Michael McDonald) conceived this story at a pub in Ireland.  On a side note, “if I have to listen to “Yah Mo Be There” one more time, ya mo burn this place to the ground.” (7-30-14)

Rock

  • “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson continues his career fade as methodically as Rudy’s ‘slow clap.’ ” (7-23-14)
  • “It seems completely ridiculous to make a sequel out of a movie as irrelevant as Ethan Hawke’s The Purge.  If crime was legal for 12 hours, what would you do?  I would hunt down the producers of The Purge and The Purge: Anarchy and force them to purge the world of themselves. I would also punch Celine Dion in the throat.” (7-16-14)
  • Transformers: Age of Extinction comes out this weekend, marking the eleventh time Michael Bay has ruined a movie from the director’s chair.” (6-25-14)
  • “Angelina Jolie’s Maleficent finally hits the big screen.  Admittedly, this movie was far more attractive when Tim Burton was on board to direct.  Additionally, Angelina Jolie was much more attractive back in her Tomb Raider days, before she adopted every child she could find.” (5-28-14)
  • (Referencing Million Dollar Arm) “Jon Hamm’s character in this movie is a character that is a far cry from his Mad Men persona.  Personally, once you play a scotch-drinking, cigarette-smoking, mysterious playboy, I don’t know why you’d want to play something else.” (5-14-14)
  • “This week in theaters starts with Darren Aronofsky’s biblical epic, Noah.  Biblical epics are Hollywood’s version of doubling down on a nine.  Word of mouth may bring this picture to its knees before it ever gets going, but let’s take a look at what we’ve got.  Noah is chosen by God to build an ark, save creation and start anew.  Would God ever pick someone as angry as Russell Crowe to start over with?  Darren Aronofsky did, so we can immediately rule out Aronofsky as any reincarnation of God.” (3-26-14)

LaB

  • “Von Trier’s dark and convoluted pictures are only to be outdone by everything that is Shia LaBeouf these days.  There are three schools of thought regarding LaDouche:  He’s legitimately bat-shit crazy; he’s an artistic genius exercising his right to be a little eccentric; he’s a complete douchebag.  If you chose the middle one, you are wrong.” (3-19-14)
  • “The following is a list of things I thought would happen before I ever recommended seeing a movie with two Jake Gyllenhaals:  The Chicago Cubs winning the World Series; Bill Callahan becoming a bona fide football coach; Sandra Bullock earning an Academy Award; Alex Rodriguez being inducted into the Hall of Fame; Daft Punk sampling the Macarena; Andy Dick being funny; M. Night Shyamalan writing/directing another good movie…” (3-12-14)
  • “It should be made clear that Wes Anderson’s movies hold a place in my heart, shared only with olive loaf, soccer, and glow-in-the-dark condoms.  I know they exist, I just don’t care.” (3-5-14)
  • This (Monuments Men) will, without a doubt, be box office gold and a very solid start to the new year.  If Nazis aren’t your thing, you and Poland have something in common.  If Bill Murray isn’t your thing, go to hell. (2-5-14)
  • Labor Day is thankfully not related to the motion picture abominations Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve or Pearl Harbor, but watching a 111 minute Lifetime Original Movie starring that chick from Titanic and the older brother from Goonies will require you to turn in your balls and follow it with an Ellen marathon.” (1-29-14)
  • “Finally, we come to Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro’s Grudge Match.  Clearly, at this point De Niro is much like a sorority girl who can’t say no to anything.  It is unfortunate to see a movie starring these two actors set in a genre that made them both respectively great.  Grudge Match is the type of movie that could truly bring down the reputation of both actors and leave a new generation of fans viewing them as elderly, washed-up actors who make poor movie decisions and couldn’t act their way out of a mime’s box… or Harrison Ford, for short.”  (12-25-13)
  • “Sure, people will be excited about The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, but the tiresome series is already overdone.  Peter Jackson has finely crafted the art of beating a dead horse, and he has beaten it until there is nothing left.  The horse has literally been beaten so badly that it has absorbed itself into the dirt, turned into fertile soil, and is already re-emerging as a tree.  Peter Jackson is beating the dirt right now.  By the time The Hobbit: There and Back Again is released, that tree will inevitably be made into Peter Jackson’s script for the Life and Times of J R R Tolkien with the follow-up I Wish I Was Alive to Sleep With J R R Tolkien before the finale I Will Never Love Anyone As Much As I Loved Tolkien.  That poor horse. “ (12-11-13)

Christian-Bale-Batman-Ben-Affleck

  • “I feel like in a week when the fans have dogged Affleck for being named Batman in the new Superman movie, I should be making fun of Ben Affleck.  As if Pearl Harbor wasn’t the worst thing people have put their eyes on not named Tori Spelling, or Paycheck wasn’t the worst acting performance from a lead since 1970’s porn, or as if Armageddon didn’t feature Affleck the same as a pile of shit features the corn you ate yesterday… I choose to be the bigger man and not make fun of Affleck or take this opportunity to point out his lack of acting ability other than to say it leaves a bit to be desired for.” (8-28-14)
  • “The big underdog this week is Ain’t Them Bodies Saints.  Usually I wouldn’t suggest anything an Affleck is in unless it’s Jennifer Garner.” (8-14-13)
  • R.I.P.D finally hits theaters this weekend.  In my experience, the Action/Comedy/Crime/Fantasy genre hasn’t played out so well.  Just the mention of said genre brings back memories of Bronson Pinchot in Second Sight… shudder.   The real scare is the screenwriting team of Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi who are responsible for penning such brilliant stories as the most recent Clash of the Titans, Jackie Chan’s The Tuxedo and Æon Flux.  They say sarcasm doesn’t translate well through written word, but I’m betting you picked up on that one.  To paint a better picture, Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi basically poop in a box and call it a story.  R.I.P.D is already an off-the-wall concept, but leaving it in the hands of writers such as these is like giving Charlie Sheen the cure for cancer and expecting him to do anything but snort it.” (7-17-13)
  • “Ethan Hawke stars in The Purge, which is ironic because if there was a 12-hour period without crime, I’d punch Ethan Hawke in the face for White Fang, White Fang 2, Gattaca, Great Expectations, Taking Lives, Lord of War, Daybreakers, and Brooklyn’s Finest… and I’d need all 12 hours.” (6-05-13)
  • “With Fast & Furious 6, it would appear that Hollywood is just pooping out ideas for sequels since this movie has both the stench and consistency.  In this 130 minute load of shit, the last remaining fan of the series will be gifted with the appearance of all the Fast & Furious characters, including Tokyo Drift.  Oh how far have the careers of Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Michelle Rodriguez gone?  They’re each only weeks away from doing eight balls with Kimmy Gibbler from Full House and the other members of N Sync.  Given the box office take for the F & F franchise, there are plenty of people with poor taste ready for this release… insert Helen Keller joke here.” (5-22-13)
  • “First, let’s clarify that Michael Bay is to cinema what Nickelback is to hard rock music.” (4-24-13)
  • “Instead of talking about how much you should see Scary Movie 5, I felt I should give you a list of things that would be more fun that going to see SM5:  A colonoscopy performed by an actor who once played a doctor; passing a golf ball; showering in prison; listening to an audio book read by Fran Drescher; watching porn with your mother; having your eyes washed out with vinegar; sleeping inside a frozen tauntaun, or shaving your privates with ice water and a rusty blade.  When Marlon Wayans bails on the franchise, I think you have a pretty good indication that it’s going down faster than Anna Nicole Smith on a billionaire.” (4-10-13)
  • “Stephenie Meyer is at it again with her novel The Host gracing the big screens this week.  I won’t even rehash this plot for you because if you’re thinking about seeing this you either A) just had your first period, B) love the band Owl City, C) feel sorry for Taylor Swift or D) are blind and deaf.  I’m not saying Stephenie Meyer is a bad writer, I’m saying that she’s a horrible human being who has unleashed a parallel universe in which Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are looked up to.” (3-27-13)
  • “The writing team of Goldstein and Daley also brought us Horrible Bosses, which was great for some people even though I thought it was the equivalent of eating dog poop for two hours.  Speaking of dog poop, Halle Berry’s The Call finally comes out.  This movie, starring Halle Berry’s wig, was produced by WWE, but sadly no one hit Ms. Berry with a steel chair.  Before we all rush to see The Call, let’s take a moment to look at Oscar winner Halle Berry’s resume.  Movie 43, New Year’s Eve, Perfect Stranger (not the one with Balki), Catwoman, Gothika, Die Another Day, Executive Decision, The Flintstones and Strictly Business… Yes, I don’t know why they haven’t put her down either.  Sure Halle Berry’s resume is filled with more bad decisions than a sorority girl drinking Keystone Light in a basement, but WWE gave her another chance.  Her filmography is packed with more shit than a Taco Bell filled with constipated diners.  One can only hope that other actors can win Oscars and make movies that assault our senses as badly as B*A*P*S… oh wait, sorry Cuba Gooding Jr.” (3-13-13)
  • “How annoying is Terrence Howard?  He’s the equivalent of being asked to go out with your wife and her girlfriends on Super Bowl Sunday.  He’s more annoying than Tom Cruise trying to play a straight guy playing a gay guy.  Terrence Howard is more annoying than the fat girl at IHOP that is trying to test the all-you-can-eat pancake special in the booth behind you.” (3-6-13)
  • “Steven Soderbergh’s Side Effects finally hits theaters after months of painful previews in the theaters.  This crime thriller will apparently appeal to everyone without a set of balls and/or an audience that just needs to see Channing Tatum blown up on the big screen.  Mark my words, it’s time for Soderbergh to stop making movies and explore other employment options.  Channing Tatum is to acting what Anna Kournikova was to tennis.  Attaching popular names does not equal a great cinema experience… I’m looking at you, Meet the Fockers.” (2-6-13)

arnold-schwarzenegger-sylvester-stallone-hospital

  • “This week in theaters brings us the Sylvester Stallone movie with the simple title, Bullet to the Head.  The bad news is that they appear to have run out of good titles at the title store.  The worse news is that the now past his prime, Stallone, has recruited Christian Slater, a guy whose last decent movie was 20 years ago and actually replaced Kevin Bacon for Hollow Man II… a movie Bacon turned down.  Seriously, Kevin Bacon turned down a movie, and if that wasn’t amazing enough, Christian Slater took the leftovers from KEVIN BACON.  The worst news is that I can’t even understand the words being spoken in the trailer to even review this movie.  Does anyone speak Stallone anymore?  There is no good news.” (1-30-13)
  • “Jason Statham’s Parker also comes out this weekend.  Statham has turned into the white Samuel L. Jackson or the less crazy Nicholas Cage.  There isn’t a job Jason Statham won’t take; in fact I’m certain he just sold me more toner.” (1-23-13)
  • “Many may consider Knocked Up funny, but I like to think of it as something Apatow had to put out there just to fulfill a studio contract.  I’m not saying Seth Rogen is bad, I’m just saying that passing a stone might bring more laughs.  I’m not saying that Rogen plays the same character in every movie, I’m just saying that I thought he was in one movie with a lot of sequels.” (12-19-12)
  • “Gerard Butler stars in Playing for Keeps, proving that maybe we just need to send that $10 straight to him.  Remember when he played King Leonidas in 300?  Yeah, so do I and it was awesome.  Remember when he had that other great role?  Yeah, neither do I.  I have no problem with Gerard Butler getting his testicles removed and playing romantic leads in bad movies, as long as someone uses that Men in Black tool to erase 300 from my memory so I don’t just feel bad for him.  The Ugly Truth and The Bounty Hunter looked like something I could make after a night out eating Indian.” (12-5-12)
  • Ang Lee’s Life of Pi opens Wednesday, 11/21.  Yes, Ang Lee directed Brokeback Mountain, and yes, this is the story of a boy and a Bengal tiger being trapped at sea, but don’t jump to any crazy assumptions, you’ll just be embarrassed later.  (11-21-12)
  • “I don’t know what bothers me more, that I can see Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner think when they are trying to act, or that I can see they’re not thinking of anything.  There a lot of things that I would rather look at than the Twilight series, but I usually just flush them after I’m done.” (11-14-12)
  • “Matthew Fox went on a crazy diet and got ripped to play the part of the killer, Picasso (Alex Cross), proving that not every member of Party of Five is somewhere in a seedy underground Hollywood club splitting eight-balls with the cast of Boy Meets World.” (10-17-12)
  • Won’t Back Down, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Holly Hunter, opens this week, giving us all the rare opportunity to see two of the most annoying actresses in Hollywood together on screen.  Spending $15 to see Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face and listening to Holly Hunter’s voice for two hours is like spending $15 to see your parents have sex, you simply won’t recover and the lifetime of therapy that follows will cost you much more.” (9-26-12)

Listening to: Okay Go “Of the Blue Colour of the Sky”

About the author

Chad

Chad has a Bachelor's Degree from Marquette University in Broadcast Journalism & Electronic Communications. Currently living in Seattle, WA, he takes every opportunity he can to go to a game, partake in the nightlife, laugh with friends & family and root for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.